fei du

[foxicide]

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weekend zero saturday

[foxicide]

[Rang is currently hogging the mirror in the clothes section of Ikea, trying on hat after hat. some of them are like. the exact same? and yet he tries them on anyway, adjusting them on his head and then immediately pulling them off in Disgust,

which just accidentally fluffs up his hair,]

Great.

[he smooths it out... and puts on a near identical hat. something something insanity is doing the same thing something]

[metacognition]

[ i cannot say that fei du is going anything even remotely helpful at this moment. actually, he's just watching rang do this from where he's currently settled on one of those dressing room area benches, and the 'great', eventually, gets a response, an amused hum. ]

For the record, I'm not sure you're a bowler hat type of guy. [ no one asked you fei du ]

week zero monday

[foxicide]

[me like i should write up a little bit of intro for this thread
me: no let's just get right to it

anyway puts them in (spins wheel) selfie store. Rang picks up a headband with sproingy hearts and attempts to

slide it on Fei Du's head,]

Here you go.

[metacognition]

[ you know what he will just

let him do this without any fuss. at all. once it's on his head, fei du looks up, or at least attempts to, and then smiles the beatific smile of an angel.]

Lovable?

[ bad. ]

w0, friday

[metacognition]

[ looks back at the thread above. mistake.

anyway after all of that fun and joy, fei du is wandering around with his hands in his pockets, his expression surprisingly composed for someone who threw up in a trash can like ten minutes ago. when he spots rang, though, he comes up to stand beside him, giving a little sup nod in greeting. ]

Rang.

[foxicide]

[Rang looks the same as usual, though he tilts his head when he catches sight of Fei Du, looking him over as he comes to stand next to him. and then he

pats him on the shoulder. friendly pat!]

Congrats on making it.

[i hate it here]

week zero saturday

[foxicide]

[places them somewhere with fresh air.... park..... Rang will wander over, hands in his pockets. For someone who spent the last nine hours in the McDonalds, he doesn't seem too terrible. Not that he's ever really been. He eyes Fei Du once he's close enough,]

How are you feeling?

[metacognition]

[ weirdly, rang lee might hear music when he starts to get close? though, when he speaks up, fei du silences it, pausing his phone. ]

Well, successful, I suppose. We did solve it, by the skin of our teeth. [ "what about whatever that was" shhh ] You?

week zero monday

[foxicide]

[hello sweet fei du also sisi im excited for ur hair!!!!

Rang will mosey on over as soon as he sees Fei Du enter the exhibit he's currently loitering in. It's not touch week, but the vibe is still like 'hello i am here to stand almost uncomfortably close to you', punctuated by the way Rang tries to take him by the elbow to direct his gaze at the


guillotine on display.]

What do you think?

[metacognition]

[ I fucking hate that the medieval torture devices question was for me (also thank you)

this is happening I guess. fei du looks down at the hand on his elbow and then back up at rang, eyebrow raised, and then over to a guillotine. ]

Well. [ in dry dry deadpan ] It’s not made of plastic.

week 1 friday

[foxicide]

[i hope fei du is having a nice stroll in the park because as he passes the lake he will see

rang


rise from the water's surface as he makes his way to shore, hi fei du]

[metacognition]

[ jesus christ ]

Rang. [ he sounds... amused... ] Are you deep diving for evidence, or the scene of your crime?

[ don't joke like that ]

w1, sat

[metacognition]

[ what the fuck just happened

anyway out to the void we go ]

Rang. [ how ya doing, champ ]

[foxicide]

[the void... our true home,

he glances over at Fei Du, smiling]

Are you going to chase each of us down?

week 1 sun

[metacognition]

[ wheremst the FUCKETH

hello my fox in crime we're in the void. fei du looks like, noticeably pale, but his expression is cool and aloof as ever. ]

You put on quite the show, Rang. [ hi. ]

[foxicide]

[PUTS THEM IN IKEA it's his new home now (no), he's just sitting at the food court, dressed in a different set of clothes thankfully, with a cup of half-eaten frozen yogurt sitting on the table in front of him,]

Which part?

week two tuesday

[foxicide]

[places them in sears

maybe fei du is surrounded by a crowd of shadows desperate to sell him avon because he is wealth personified (that is now what's happening), but at some point suddenly the crowd just

fcking parts,

and rang is on the other side of the newly created space, axe in his hand like he's just parted the red sea for fei du. WHICH HE DID. HE USED HIS AXE TO JUST WHACK ALL THESE SHADOWS AWAY]

They sure are pushy.

[metacognition]

[ HELP THIS IS SO FUNNY i love this for rang

they're in the middle of a sears and rang is swinging his axe around. it's a typical tuesday here in japanifornia. or wherever the hell they are today. fei du was chatting with one of the avon ladies - really, he's very picky about his skin care, but your skin is glowing, miss, thank you - because him being swarmed by avon ladies is 100% real. no one loves fei du like a middle aged to elderly woman loves fei du.

anyway he blinks down this newly created path. once. twice. his emotions go ? and then recognition, though it's important to note that the feeling is exceedingly muted. ]

Rang, you know how to make an entrance. [ to the closest now horrified shadow lady with the charming customer service smile: ] If you'll excuse me.

[ let's get the fuck out of here ]

w2 friday

[metacognition]

[ somehow i feel like rang is going to be not great mentally today. just a feeling

anyway

fei du is...in the library! he's writing down details onto a sheet of computer paper - notes for tomorrow, likely. when he spots rang, though, he looks up - his emotions, which are still this sort of awful emotionless void, spark a little bit into concern. ]

Rang.

[foxicide]

[IT'S FINE IT'S FINE IT'S FINE

Rang's emotions are... not blank, but there is a very visible pressure on them, like he's exerting force of will to not have any of them escape. even though every so often a blip curls out, annoyance, anger, and a weariness that doesn't reflect on his face. he raises his eyebrows and takes a seat next to fei du,]

What did you find?

week two saturday

[foxicide]

[he's just walking up to Fei Du, hello. his emotions are very tightly coiled, as always. he looks at fei du up and down, and after a beat]

Did you curse Matsui?

[metacognition]

No.

[ point blank; fei du is slippery, clearly a liar. CLEARLY. but there's conviction in the way he says this, gaze clear. ] I would never, ever mess with someone else's emotions.

week 4 sun

[foxicide]

[slaps a starter here and voids us while also summoning a piggy

i said voids us but maybe they're at the bar having drinks anyway give me memory #3!!!]

[metacognition]

[ bOY THIS IS A CHOICE anyway fei du hates these fucking pigs but he loves his booze so he will enjoy a nice drink with rang. surely there is no pig behind the bar!


there's a pig behind the bar.

it shows this memory: ]

[ your mother is, and has always been, the epitome of a kept woman.

not in the nice way. no. in the way that fei chengyu keeps her, in the way that fei chengyu has to own her, has to force her into a vase and prune her branches until she grows the way he wants. you weren't really that cognizant of it when you were growing up until recently, but what you were cognizant of was this: your house had many rules for your mother, and when those rules were broken, there were punishments.

one. don't talk to outsiders. that includes the housekeepers and the cleaners. two. don't make eye contact with others. three. don't read books fei chengyu doesn't approve of. four. don't watch tv shows fei chengyu doesn't approve of. five. get out of bed at seven. six. sit at the dining table at eight. seven. take care of the vases and put in new flowers at eight-thirty, and so many more.

you pick these things up by observation, as you grow older. as your mother, a frail, hollow shell of a woman, moves through each fragment of her life. when she's even a minute late, fei chengyu makes sure she knows the price, and you, unfortunately, know too. he brings you downstairs into his basement, sometimes, past the relief dragons carved into the wall, sits you down at a child sized rosewood desk just like his, and makes you watch as he beats her. as he shocks her with electricity, enough that it rattles her body and her eyes roll back in her head. he wants you to learn. he wants to teach you, how to control someone else the way he has. he wants you to be just like him.

fei chengyu never hits you; you are his precious heir. instead, his punishments for you when you misbehave are more complex, and you - learn very quickly, how to act. you learn by eight how to become aloof. by ten, you're unconcerned, showing no emotional reaction when your father slaps your mother so hard she spits blood out of her mouth. that's what fei chengyu wants from you, after all. no emotions. no attachment. a perfect little monster.

(you school yourself not to react. you fight with the urge, your survival instinct strong and your heart stronger, but you watch. you pay attention. when you become aware enough, you know - you know you want to break free of this mausoleum of a household, of this perfect dollhouse, of the monstrosity your father is planting in you. it's a daily, internal fight, and every day that passes, it gets harder and harder.)

your mother has to take care of you. that's part of the rules, and its in those moments that you feel slight reverberations of her spirit. in those places, she kisses your forehead when you're ill, and meets your eyes, and it makes your heart ache, because you want to reach out to her, but you're scared. you're terrified of the consequences the way she's terrified, because one time you do, and it goes so poorly that - well - you don't even -- you can't remember what happened, and even in the fog of memory, it just feels blank.

another one of the rules is that your mother has to read to you. she has to read to you every night for an hour when you're little, and continues to do so even as you age. she barely makes eye contact with you - she's paranoid and terrified and never breaks the rules, even when fei chengyu is gone - but in her stories, she mixes in new topics. over and over, the books she reads you are around the subject of one thing: freedom.

the both of you are birds in a cage, but your mother's treatment is nightmarish. fei chengyu broke her wings and stole her voice, and she wants you to break free in her place.

as you get older, your relationship with your father and mother stays the same. fei chengyu is busy - running fei industries is a complex monster to control, moreso than you ever even know - and there are images that have to be upheld. just as your mother appears beautiful if a bit neurotic to the public, well behaved and lovely, you too have to move through the circles of the heir of one of the richest men in yan city. by the time you reach junior high, you're attending ritzy private schools and boarding schools, and spend the majority of your time away from the house. it's your first taste of freedom.

still, when you return home on the weekends, your mother seems just as broken, but there's a little warmth in her movements. the villa you live in is cold, the ominous basement looming as a reminder of all the things fei chengyu can do to the both of you, and maybe her love for you might just be performative, but she cleans out your room, airs out your quilt, makes your favorite meals for dinner. it's a dollhouse, as flawless as can be, just like fei chengyu likes it, even when he's gone.

even this old, she reads you stories. chapter books and classical literature, now, for an hour, still following the rules. last week, it was the old man and the sea by hemingway. now, she's reading you the awakening by kate chopin when you return from school, and as the summer sun sets outside even on a saturday night, she reaches the end of the novel and closes it, kisses your forehead like she does every night you return home. you return to school on sunday, after a picture perfect breakfast, fei chengyu watching you both like a hawk, and no one speaks.

your summer vacation this year is supposed to start on your birthday - july 31st. you're fourteen years old, and you make your way up the path to the villa from the driver's car the same way you always do, feeling a sense of dread in your chest as you put the mask of indifference on your face. you make your way to the front door, put your key in the lock, and find silence to greet you. the vase next to the door - always full of fresh flowers, one of fei chengyu's rules - contains nothing but dried out twigs. and the smell - the house has never smelled before, meticulously clean, but it doesn't smell like sterile cleaning products, it smells like - like -

(it smells as rotten as it really is under open windows and shiny clean surfaces.)

something is wrong.

you walk forward, shutting the door slowly behind you, heart starting to leap up into your throat. you walk past the main room, past the basement stairs, and note that your mother's door is just slightly ajar. you are trembling, now, shaking so hard you aren't sure you're breathing, and you press your thin fingers to the doorknob.

you can hear music. it's very soft, in english - you raise me up, so i can stand on mountains, and you push the door open.

your mother is wearing a dress. she has makeup on, her delicate bone structure highlighted by it in a way she never wears it.

when you look up, though, she's not greeting you, or avoiding your eye contact, or fluttering around the house as thin as a sheet of paper. she's not robotically going through the motions, or even daring to glance at your face.

no, she's staring. eyes wide open, mouth hanging slack.

your mother is hanging from the rafter in the ceiling of her bedroom, rope thick around her broken neck, and the rocking chair she often sat in kicked off to the side. your breath catches and you - you feel it, you can almost feel the restriction of your airway you can this is your fault this is your fault this is your fault

(In the final chapter of The Awakening, Edna sheds her clothing and walks into the ocean. Though the ending is ambiguous, she chooses to walk in as her manner of death so her sons don't feel the shame of a family suicide and read it as an accident, but each move was planned. Edna yearns for a different life; her only option is death.)


--

you stumble your way backwards to the office and call 110, to inform them, no emotion in your voice, of what you found. when the two young police officers arrive on the scene, you're sitting outside on the stone steps of the villa, staring at the ground. you don't remember how you walked there. you raise your head to look at the two men - officers tao and luo - and you just stare. clear eyed, silent, you stare at them.

(the emotions that you feel in that moment are as wide and vast as a sea. grief, crushing guilt, anger, fear, and - and hope. the police are here.

they'll have to figure it out, right? they'll spend time talking to you - talking to fei chengyu. they'll see through him. they'll see the way he pushed your mother to this, how her paranoia and misery and despair were all his fault, that he's been controlling her and he's been controlling you and molding you in ways you desperately don't want to be molded, that you are a child and he is a monster. they'll see it. they have to. )

the investigation concludes within 48 hours. you stand on the front step one more time with your father, returned from his business trip to mourn his wife, his hand on your shoulder as he watches the police officers go. it's been ruled a suicide. no foul play involved. nothing wrong. just a single tragedy in a picture perfect dollhouse; a woman with depression who lost to her demons.

you watch luo wenzhou and tao ran go, and with it, you realize the simple truth of the world: you are the only way out of this, fei du, because nothing and no one will ever come to save you.

[ when it ends, fei du is sitting still, holding his glass - completely unmoving. ]

week 5, sat

[metacognition]

[ it's saturday! fei du watched his first trial! what a mess!!

he's sitting on the hood of his unreasonably nice car, holding a classy wineglass in one hand, just kind of watching the screens. most people have scattered, but it's kind of soothing? shenhe the duck is also here, sitting next to him on the hood of the car.

when he spots rang, he lifts his glass in greeting. ]

Rang. Feeling any better?

[foxicide]

[this is the funniest starter i love this car,

Rang heads on over as soon as he spots Fei Du, his duck, and this car.]

I'm this close to passing out.

[though he says it brightly, so maybe he's fine? his gaze goes to the vehicle,]

Nice car.