foxicide | UWOOO BUZEN UWOOOOOWOW

[rang thinks of all the things he could say, 'don't apologize' 'it doesn't matter' 'it wasn't real', but he knows how real it can feel. and telling buzen not to feel sorry hasn't really ever worked out before, in the face of buzen's stubborn heart, even if he is all blade at the moment.]

Why was erasing everyone your mission?

Because in some loops... I was something else. Gnosia. I had to erase all of humanity.

[something that goes against buzen's core. against what makes him a sword - but he wasn't a sword then. and in the end, he always follows the mission through. that's always been what guided him.

so he did.]

So I followed through with my mission. I killed everyone.

[Well.

Rang doesn't say anything at first, though his thoughts shuffle through a variety of 'why' 'out of everything why' 'i know why' but that doesn't mean i can accept it.'

If he had to pick one role to put Buzen in, something that makes sense for him, and would break him irreparably at the same time, then it would be this one.]

...I've seen you kill humans before for your mission.

[Feeling their blood on you.]

Did it feel the same way when you erased them?

[ . . . this is where his expression turns guilty, confused. he doesn't know if he did the right thing here. he just knows that he did what he had to do.]

... it could happen through a touch. Sometimes, when I wasn't Gnosia, it happened to me. Your skin peels back and then it's like everything - snaps. You stop existing.

I didn't... do that.

I cut you. I cut into all of you. I didn't want to make it so that no trace of you was left behind, I thought maybe you could still be remembered if you could be found so that there was some marker you'd still be there—

[he swallows and runs a hand over his face, clean of blood now but his gaze grows unfocused]

But I still failed.

[. . .

would it have been better if buzen was just the gnosia entirely? without thinking buzen thoughts like wanting to carry all those deaths with him, or having them be remembered?]

...I know I would have preferred being cut into over my skin peeling back, even if my fate was the same.

[Even if I stopped existing either way. His voice is a touch dry here, though his thoughts are muted.]

You should've lived. I was the problem. I should've been broken, I should've been found.

Then you all would've been okay.

[and this is where his thoughts get clearer, more solidified.

because the longer he's had to think about it, the more he realized that he was nothing more than a weapon. it's exactly as he told rang - it's better to have this form, to be trusted, because it makes completing the mission easier. when no one suspects him. when everyone thinks that he's just doing his best. and maybe he is, but his best includes killing everyone he loves once he's sure he has to.

and what is the grand difference between a gnosia sent to destroy humanity and a sword who kills humans to protect humanity anyway

so maybe buzen got it all wrong somewhere by wishing for impossible things. maybe he shouldn't have done that all

maybe i shouldn't want to exist ]

[Rang flinches at the words -- at the thoughts that ring from Buzen's mind to his, and it feels a little like Buzen's cut into him with just a word.

funnily enough, he's thought the same thing. swords who kill humans to protect humans? is that any different from what humanity has always required of them? to put down lives for the sake of some bigger, apparently greater thing? when that thing is what requires killing in the first place?

but he doesn't want buzen to think like this. or buzen to admit that this is a problem he can't solve. he feels so much like a child as he stands here, thinking childish thoughts and reasons and things to say, when finally.]

I want you to.

[maybe it's hypocritical of him to say when just weeks ago he'd held matsui's hand and told him that he didn't have to want at all.

but with buzen. . . .]

Who will remember what you've done, if you didn't exist?

I don't need to be remembered. I don't need to exist.

[and when those words leave his lips - his shoulders droop ever so slightly, like it's getting a weight off his chest. to maybe let go of those wants and those hopes, because they only cause pain, don't they?]

... maybe if I don't exist then - more people will be safe from me.

[maybe it's for the better for everyone that way.]

[rang closes his eyes tightly at the words.

he wants so badly to lash out at buzen for them.

but what would buzen do? besides accept that anger? or take it as something he deserves?]

What about all those humans you killed? Not only the ones where you were -- but the ones I saw? If you weren't remembered and you didn't exist, then who will remember them?

You talked about carrying their memories with you. That's not something you can do when you're gone.

I'm going to disappear sooner or later. Either they disappear with me earlier, or they disappear with me later - even though it's better if they're remembered by other people. By history. I think a lot of them can be.

[in the end, buzen is just one sword that might not even be real.

what does it matter if he's the one carrying these memories? wasn't it already presumptuous of him to think that it mattered for him to try at all?

more people will probably be saved if i can't hurt them is what he thinks - if the math falls in this way. if he's as dangerous as he thinks he is - and he really, really thinks he is - then... isn't it better for him to just

stop?]

I don't... want to hurt people anymore, Rang. I don't want to be a tool used to make mistakes but that's what I'm forged to be.

So... what can I do?

Edited 2023-07-28 01:53 (UTC)

[Rang looks at Buzen, who admits so easily all the things that Rang would have said too, once upon a time.

He holds out his hand, stretches it forward so that he offers it palm up towards Buzen,]

Give me your hand.

[ . . . ]

Don't let me hurt you.

[please.

but otherwise he'll give rang his hand as requested]

[He will take Buzen's hand, curl his fingers around his so he's holding him loosely, but comfortably. So that he can pull away if he likes, at any moment.]

I don't know what you should do to not hurt people. I've hurt them my entire life, just because they were there or in my way or because I liked it. So anything I say about stopping would sound like a lie.

You're a weapon by nature. You always will be. Even if you stopped existing. Spirits like us can't change what we are.

[. . .]

All I know is that you said that you accepted me for what I am, and that's how I feel about you too. You kill and you care and you suffer for it. I don't want any part of you to change.

[ . . . it hurts.

it keeps hurting, to be told that he should still exist even though he hurts other people. it's not what he wants to hear. he's not selfish enough to be touched by this.]

I don't want to exist at the expense of other people.

[not now that he's himself, who treasures other people above himself at every turn. when even the reason that he can complete his own missions so certainly is because he believed in the idea of protecting more people than the ones he hurt.]

I will - for Matsu, if I have to.

... but I don't want to.

[He just keeps holding his hand, silent. Rang only knows what he'd like to say. He's never helped others out of his own volition, and the inexperience shows the most when he's around Matsui and Buzen. He doesn't know what to do, because his thoughts lean towards agreement.

If it hurts... then why live?]

Sorry. Existing for someone else... I don't know what that's like either. I've never done that.

[I don't think I ever will.]

But I know that I don't care about the version of me you killed. So don't include me in that. I'm not a debt you have to carry, or a sacrifice you chose to make. I'm right here.

But I care. [and his statement comes out in a bit of a growl, frustrated] Because I'd do the same thing here, if I was given a mission that told me you had to die. I'd kill you. Shouldn't you be angrier with me for that?

I'm tired of everyone forgiving me, I don't want to be forgiven - I want you all to get away from me before I get a chance to hurt you.

[despite this - his hand grips on tighter to rang's. it's harder to say if it's out of frustration, or some sort of unspoken want that buzen doesn't even know he feels]

Isn't that a normal thing to want? Can't you all just - treasure yourselves more?

[The words hurt, he can't say that they don't. And a part of him wants to pull back from Buzen, at someone else who'd kill him for the sake of a goal, something that will always be more important than him. He doesn't want to be hurt like that again.

But he'd always known that it would be possible. Buzen isn't anything like Yeon.]

I am angry, and I don't forgive you. I won't forgive you if you kill me for real here, and I don't forgive you for hurting yourself like this. [Even though I know that's who you are. That you'll always take the blame.] I'm angry that you think the solution is to abandon us. If you call it protecting again, then I'm going to get even angrier.

I don't care about my life as much as I care about you and Matsui. Does that upset you?

It does.

I'm happy you care that much about Matsu. I really am. And even if I don't know what to do with it sometimes, I am happy that you care about me too.

But if you care about Matsu more than yourself, you know how bad that'll hurt him if he's the one at fault for something that happens to you. He might not be able to carry that weight. I can and I will.

[buzen carries everything heavy so other people don't have to, even if right now the sheer volume of everything that he did is slamming hard into him, making his footing stagger and his heart ache.]

But it's going to make me mad because I'll always want you to fight back and treasure yourself more than me - because I can't treasure you that much, even though I want to.

[i don't want you to be another reason for me to hate myself]

[he'd rather buzen and matsui didn't care at all, in an alternate universe where rang could have lived and died alone, without caring about anyone. where he erased first instead of d, and fractured an already fragile team.

he'd rather that than this, caring just enough that it hurts. once again.]

I said I don't care about my life, not that I'll sacrifice myself for either of you.

[he doesn't know how to do that. to die for someone. to exist for someone. he only knows how to kill or be killed.]

And anyway, I know exactly how I'll die and I know that it won't be at your hands, no matter what.

[he squeezes buzen's hand at the same time he says this, a child's attempt to comfort him.]

[his eyes narrow and he finds himself arguing, just because he's already worked up enough to - ]

Care about your life more. It's the least you and I both owe to the people who care about us.

[because buzen doesn't crave the void. he's not like matsui or anyone else who wants to have less time. he's different in the sense that he wants all the time he can get, because somewhere deep down, he wants to exist.

he just doesn't want to exist at the expense of other people. that is too much to ask of him.]

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