foxicide | UWOOO BUZEN UWOOOOOWOW

[ . . . ]

Don't let me hurt you.

[please.

but otherwise he'll give rang his hand as requested]

[He will take Buzen's hand, curl his fingers around his so he's holding him loosely, but comfortably. So that he can pull away if he likes, at any moment.]

I don't know what you should do to not hurt people. I've hurt them my entire life, just because they were there or in my way or because I liked it. So anything I say about stopping would sound like a lie.

You're a weapon by nature. You always will be. Even if you stopped existing. Spirits like us can't change what we are.

[. . .]

All I know is that you said that you accepted me for what I am, and that's how I feel about you too. You kill and you care and you suffer for it. I don't want any part of you to change.

[ . . . it hurts.

it keeps hurting, to be told that he should still exist even though he hurts other people. it's not what he wants to hear. he's not selfish enough to be touched by this.]

I don't want to exist at the expense of other people.

[not now that he's himself, who treasures other people above himself at every turn. when even the reason that he can complete his own missions so certainly is because he believed in the idea of protecting more people than the ones he hurt.]

I will - for Matsu, if I have to.

... but I don't want to.

[He just keeps holding his hand, silent. Rang only knows what he'd like to say. He's never helped others out of his own volition, and the inexperience shows the most when he's around Matsui and Buzen. He doesn't know what to do, because his thoughts lean towards agreement.

If it hurts... then why live?]

Sorry. Existing for someone else... I don't know what that's like either. I've never done that.

[I don't think I ever will.]

But I know that I don't care about the version of me you killed. So don't include me in that. I'm not a debt you have to carry, or a sacrifice you chose to make. I'm right here.

But I care. [and his statement comes out in a bit of a growl, frustrated] Because I'd do the same thing here, if I was given a mission that told me you had to die. I'd kill you. Shouldn't you be angrier with me for that?

I'm tired of everyone forgiving me, I don't want to be forgiven - I want you all to get away from me before I get a chance to hurt you.

[despite this - his hand grips on tighter to rang's. it's harder to say if it's out of frustration, or some sort of unspoken want that buzen doesn't even know he feels]

Isn't that a normal thing to want? Can't you all just - treasure yourselves more?

[The words hurt, he can't say that they don't. And a part of him wants to pull back from Buzen, at someone else who'd kill him for the sake of a goal, something that will always be more important than him. He doesn't want to be hurt like that again.

But he'd always known that it would be possible. Buzen isn't anything like Yeon.]

I am angry, and I don't forgive you. I won't forgive you if you kill me for real here, and I don't forgive you for hurting yourself like this. [Even though I know that's who you are. That you'll always take the blame.] I'm angry that you think the solution is to abandon us. If you call it protecting again, then I'm going to get even angrier.

I don't care about my life as much as I care about you and Matsui. Does that upset you?

It does.

I'm happy you care that much about Matsu. I really am. And even if I don't know what to do with it sometimes, I am happy that you care about me too.

But if you care about Matsu more than yourself, you know how bad that'll hurt him if he's the one at fault for something that happens to you. He might not be able to carry that weight. I can and I will.

[buzen carries everything heavy so other people don't have to, even if right now the sheer volume of everything that he did is slamming hard into him, making his footing stagger and his heart ache.]

But it's going to make me mad because I'll always want you to fight back and treasure yourself more than me - because I can't treasure you that much, even though I want to.

[i don't want you to be another reason for me to hate myself]

[he'd rather buzen and matsui didn't care at all, in an alternate universe where rang could have lived and died alone, without caring about anyone. where he erased first instead of d, and fractured an already fragile team.

he'd rather that than this, caring just enough that it hurts. once again.]

I said I don't care about my life, not that I'll sacrifice myself for either of you.

[he doesn't know how to do that. to die for someone. to exist for someone. he only knows how to kill or be killed.]

And anyway, I know exactly how I'll die and I know that it won't be at your hands, no matter what.

[he squeezes buzen's hand at the same time he says this, a child's attempt to comfort him.]

[his eyes narrow and he finds himself arguing, just because he's already worked up enough to - ]

Care about your life more. It's the least you and I both owe to the people who care about us.

[because buzen doesn't crave the void. he's not like matsui or anyone else who wants to have less time. he's different in the sense that he wants all the time he can get, because somewhere deep down, he wants to exist.

he just doesn't want to exist at the expense of other people. that is too much to ask of him.]

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