foxicide | UWOOO BUZEN UWOOOOOWOW

[HE GOT PERMISSION THIS IS THE FUNNIEST THING

he stops swinging their hands, gaze snapping to Buzen,]

That's between us.

She said I could be mad at you about it, because I kind of am.

[and he does squeeze their hands, not yet letting them go because it's not like he's taking sides int he matter it's just - ]

Only because I don't like it when two people I love are hurting each other.

I know that your choice is going to be your choice, Rang... and she's probably already made the best case she could.

But you know I think you deserve to accept someone's love, even if it freaks you out.

[He really wants to pull his hands away. His emotions thrum into something more familiar to him, and to Buzen probably -- the tight coil of someone who doesn't like what he's hearing, and wants to lash out in response.]

Why?

[Why do you think I deserve it?]

Because even if you don't think you have much longer in your immortal lifespan, it doesn't matter to me how much time we have left—if someone loves you, that's always something to treasure.

And like I said, you only have to get it right once. Based on what I know of her... Lam won't let you let it get it wrong.

[she will love you more than she loves herself, just like the way you love people

because that's how rang cares about buzen and matsui - and he can only imagine what it's like for lambda. but it's different, because it's the type of love that buzen is pretty sure scares rang way worse.

his own emotions are steady - they pulse with that concern and affection, even if there's just the slightest dot of ire in it. his favorite people shouldn't be in this weird situation.]

I don't know the details of your own emotions... but if care about her and still say say no, you're hurting her way more than you're hurting yourself. But the fact that it still hurts both of you makes me mad.

[unfortunately this weird situation is truly rang's fault, for accepting lambda's feelings in the first place. but back then...

it would be childish to say that he hadn't known, wouldn't it? (but he hadn't) it would be worse to say that he was weak in the moment, and just wanted the company of someone he liked. (but he was) like when he'd held his hand out for Yuri. when he saved Suho. but those were people he could control easily, he drew a line in the sand and they always stood on the other end for him. and in the end, neither of them matter more to rang than yeon does. yeon, who loved him, and then broke him, and then wished that they'd never met.

he's thinking about it when he hears buzen's thoughts, and that jerks him out of it -- a flare of fury rising up. you think I love people?

he pulls harder at their hands, intent on pulling away.]

Something to treasure? That's what love is to you. But I'm not like you or Lambda. Or anyone here.

[to rang, it's simple. if his brother can't love him, then no one else has a reason to. ]

If you want to hurt me for hurting her, then go ahead. But don't tell me what to do, not when you won't be around.

[okay

then buzen is just tightening his grip on rang's hand and knocking both of their heads together, headbutting rang something so fiercely that both of their heads are going to spin for a second

buzen's own thoughts hit right after with a string of ow ow ow it's fine it's worth it

he's frustrated, but it's not some kind of terrible fury like when they were talking about the curses on matsui. there's no sense of actually wanting to hurt rang, but he also is getting growly over how little he understands him.

it's truly a different way of thinking than from what buzen understands]

Like I said, it's already your choice, I'm just explaining why I'm mad at you! Stop acting up!!

If I got it wrong, then use your words to set me right! I know I'm not that smart, but I'm always going to try to understand you. What do you call caring about me and Matsu more than you care about yourself other than love?!

[HIS HEAD!!!!

rang also sees little lights pop off behind his eyelids after impact, a little daisy chain of birds are flying around his head, probably. but he's used to being hurt too -- and the pain sharpens his focus. anger still sits solidly in his chest, but now it's twisting with something else -- pain, despair, the grief of a child who just wants to slam their fists against the ground and cry,]

Because I hate you. I hate you both. I hate Lambda too, and D. I want to kill all of you because you make me feel weak. I want to kill you before you can leave me, because I know you'd kill me if I try. [I wish we all died for real.] All of you say that it's so easy to care about me, and that just reminds me that my brother never has.

[imagine if yeon told rang that he actually loves him then he wouldn't have been this insane for 600 years,]

That's not what love is, is it? Love is wanting people to be safe and happy even if they leave you, or accepting love and returning it. I can't do any of those things.

Then your brother's being a jerk! And he doesn't deserve to define how you live the rest of your life, however long it is.

[there's a flare of anger - but it's not at rang, it's just at this weird fucked up sibling he has that buzen wants to tackle for hurting his friend so badly.]

Love doesn't have to be those things. Love can be thinking that person or people are the only thing worth existing for, and wanting to keep them close even if you know it's better to let them go. I love that way too, even if it's different from yours.

But you know Lam won't leave you. You and I both know that about her. She's even bending her philosophies for you, because otherwise she'd never agree to it.

You don't have to be defined in the ways everyone else is, Rang. We care about you knowing all of this about you already.

Stop.

[he doesn't know what the stop is for. for calling yeon a jerk? he is. and rang thinks it's so idiotic of him to still care about him, after everything.

in that, he can relate with lambda -- that kind of love, when you want that person to be with you forever. he knows it, he's had it. it's the worst kind, because whatever that person does, you're just left with what remains in your heart, nothing.

in this, he's in the wrong. he always was, actually. that he was selfish enough to accept in the first place, that he thought laying out the boundaries -- the conditions -- would be enough. that whatever small time they have here would be all they need before they'd have to leave.

(he hates that even with someone who will love him forever, he still doesn't want to stay. he just wants to stop. why should anyone stay with him, if he's going to be like this?) he raises a hand to his face to swipe hard at it before the tears can come,]

I'll talk to her. [And then after this, I'll...] That's all I can promise.

[ . . . . buzen just sighs, a big, heavy thing. he brings his hands up to rang's face and - in the same gesture that so many people do to him - just makes him look at him. buzen meets his eyes evenly and pouts.]

... yeah, okay. I'm not telling you what to do. Your choice is still yours. But I care about you enough that I'm not just gonna let you hurt yourself and her because you're scared.

Things get better, Rang. They get easier. The times that we've had here all count for something - even if it's just a taste of how good life could be.

And even if you don't love me back, I do love you. I'm going to remember you for the rest of my existence, and I'm not gonna regret a single second.

Okay?

[Rang doesn't have it in him to be contrary or resist the movement, instead he meets Buzen's gaze and hears the words.

He's not sure why Lambda even chose him, when Buzen is right here. Wouldn't it be better to love someone who loves you, even if they do love other people, rather than someone who won't even love you back? Maybe it is, maybe it's not. He doesn't know. He's too tired to contest anything Buzen's saying, or to argue more. They'll run around in circles again. Instead, he hears Buzen say he loves him, and he can only feel a pulse of grief at the words, full of guilt.

he'd say i love you back but he doesn't know how. and he thinks if this really is love then buzen would be better off without his. instead, he shrugs his shoulders, reaching for his usual composure even though his face is all shiny and there's big bruise on his forehead,]

You always do what you want. You don't need my permission.

UWOOO BUZEN UWOOOOOWOW

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