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UWOOO BUZEN UWOOOOOWOW
IM JK ILL CHANGE THIS TO ANOTHER SHITPOST I JUST WANTED IT ON HERE DONT KILL ME DANA
IM JK ILL CHANGE THIS TO ANOTHER SHITPOST I JUST WANTED IT ON HERE DONT KILL ME DANA
IM JK ILL CHANGE THIS TO ANOTHER SHITPOST I JUST WANTED IT ON HERE DONT KILL ME DANA
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the funny thing is that he's gotten really used to this, so he just stills and accepts it. he's silent, as if letting the feeling of his pulse and heartbeat speak for themselves.
it's a strong, steady heartbeat.]
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eventually, rang lets his hand drop,]
...You all keep dying.
[buzen, matsui, d. rin too, though his death hurts too, in a different way.]
I'm always the last one.
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... I try not to make a habit of it.
[but it seems like for some reason, buzen keeps dying in front of people. is this what it means to be quick? quick to the grave too?]
I don't mean to leave you behind.
[(cyoa buzen) yes i did bitch they had to get out]
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Then don't save me anymore.
[rang says, without his usual fervor behind it. just the dull, soft complaint from a child nursing an injury. as if the buzen standing in front of him is at fault for those wild ass last 24 hours(?),]
Would you listen if I said that to you?
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but also his answer comes remarkably fast]
No. I wouldn't.
If there's a way to keep you in the world, I'm always going to try to do it.
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the way rang wants to punch buzen so bad out of fear and anger and SADNESS because that's how he unfortunately reacts to Care, but he's also so wrung out,]
I ruined the mission.
[well it was a group effort excluding d but still]
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because he shakes his head to try to get the feelings to dissipate, and he's honest when he says - ]
You never should've been on it.
[some people aren't cut out to be swords.
that's not their fault.]
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he thinks of that citadel, the intrinsic sense of loss when Rang and Shenhe decided to make another decision.]
It felt like we were set up to fail. [...] Or is that how it always feels for swords?
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[and that's where he has to admit it - he's not human, he's just a blade. even though there are things about him that more closely resembles humans, or that people think of him as one... it'd be missing some key, substantial part of who he really is.]
That mission in particular is difficult. There were a lot of things I didn't understand - but my captain spelled it out for me. There are some missions you can't complete without hating yourself. That swords are tools used to make mistakes.
At first, it made me mad. [buzen didn't want to think of himself and his comrades that way. he didn't want to think that they're only used to do the wrong thing.] But then I realized he's right.
To protect history and therefore protect the future... sometimes, we have to make sure things go wrong. If we disobey and try to save people, then we might corrupt ourselves - and then it's like... you're not even yourself anymore. You become part of the enemy. So you have to choose between breaking your own heart, or losing it.
But that's the way it is. That's what we are.
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[He doesn't add 'and I never want to feel that again'. He doesn't know what he wants, still lost in the tailspin of misery for the last however many hours they were there for.]
But why were we there in the first place? It was trying to correct itself -- it was fighting back against what Shenhe and I were doing. Why did it need fixing in the first place?
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... in the original mission, Amakusa Shirou who was the face of the rebellion died early because our enemies killed him. That meant that the war wouldn't happen as planned - but it had to. Thirty seven thousand rebels against the shogunate's army of over a hundred thousand. And they had to lose - every single one of them, women and children.
So we had to recruit, and then Tsuru-san sent me and Matsu to the Shogunate side to kill. It had to be that massacre.
History will try to correct itself... but it can't always. Not when our enemies try to set it off course on purpose.
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{that (flurry voice) electrofck? the one that cut down buzen like he was a stalk of wheat? who matsui sacrificed himself into killing?
...it was so strong. it didn't even die, in the end.]
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The kebishi is something different... The kebishi will wipe out both us and the Retrograde Army, because we're both anomalies, along with anyone who's still alive that shouldn't be.
[a beat]
There's a lot of obstacles for us, in the end.
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...]
What does it feel like? When you kill an enemy with yourself? [...] Does it feel the same way when you kill a human?
[does it feel as violating? as awful?]
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No. Really, I'd have nothing to complain about if those enemies were the only ones we ever had to face. That's the fun part. Because even if I still feel like I'm killing something, at least it's something that I'm meant to kill. Those are the only things Matsu draws his sword on without issue.
[not getting into the part where the enemies are actually just swords who also corrupted but whatever,]
It's a lot worse - killing humans.
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rang has a distant look in his eyes at that,]
I should have let Yeon kill them. But then Shenhe would have killed him, and maybe I would have tried to kill her.
We both should have died on that beach.
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No. You shouldn't have.
I'm glad that you made it out.
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'i know' he wants to say. 'you tried to save us'.]
...I saw Kuwa. Right before we came back here. But you and Matsui weren't with us.
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something pained hits his expression then - the idea of the gous having to welcome a team back without buzen and matsui. it's what they will have to endure if they don't succeed here. or they could all get erased. thinking about it for longer than a second takes the wind of out of buzen's lungs for a moment.]
... he - that wasn't real.
[he has to remind himself.]
... they're okay. They're all okay.
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This place sure is something. It made us believe in just about anything.
...I wonder if we'll really get out of here.
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[his answer comes so fast and on what basis,]
Until I'm told that there's no way and we definitely won't, I'll believe that we will.
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rang takes a moment to speak, wetting his lips -- throat dry. he no longer has a sword's stamina to sustain him here, and the exhaustion is setting in.]
But we didn't even learn anything -- not like those other missions. We just went there and had to kill them, and then came back -- and Rin and D still died.
[he's so tired. he wonders where shenhe is. is she still alive? did she run off to die too? he moves forward and stops, forgetting that he's still holding buzen's hand.]
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Right. And that's not fair to you. It's probably insult to injury, and if you're mad about it and want to cut into something, then I don't think that anyone would blame you. If you want to spar later, I'll join you.
[automatic offers, because none of this feels right or fair in the slightest.]
... but it doesn't change what we have learned. What we are learning. My guess is that since we learned that we can take points from teams, we can also probably give ours away - so it'd be nice if we could give them to the higher ranked teams. Matsu asked what the point requirement is. It's 290.
It's within reach, as long as we work hard.